When grandparents are living in a care home it can sometimes be difficult to persuade the grandchildren to pay them a visit. We know that the elderly forget names and faces and occasionally they show disinterest in the young ones. It's hard to convince the kids that it's nothing they've done that has taken the smile off of Grandma or Grandpa's face.
More often though visitors to care homes be they young or old are greeted with extreme delight. Eyes become brighter, body language becomes younger as they sit up straighter to show an obvious interest in their guests.
It's human nature to want to remember someone in their best form, choosing to have an image of health and vitality etched into the mind. Opting to stop visits because it makes us too sad to see our loved one frail and aging, while understandable, can often result in guilt.
Here are age appropriate ways to make your visits as pleasant as possible. Explain to little children before you enter that we need to use our soft indoor voices so as not to startle the other grandparents who live there. Tell them that there may be a few smells they don't like but that they should try to keep smiling.
If possible, bring your loved one to a sun room or den or if the weather permits, to a garden for more of a private visit. That way it takes your little visitors away from the areas that may have unpleasant odors.
Enjoying ice cream or cookies with Granny can be a good memory maker and make her smile but find out in advance if there are any dietary restrictions and follow accordingly. There may be swallowing problems or diabetes present so please check with the nurse or care aid.
Plan ahead of time to bring a photo album or coach the kids about reading for them or singing for them and explain that this will make Grandpa's heart happier.
Remember,even if our loved one's body and mind are deteriorating, and no matter how hesitant kids are to visit, and this goes for yourself as well, their soul is intact and will be refreshed and gladdened by your love and attention.
Send me your ideas and stories about how you have made visits special and I will publish them.
Hi Gail,
ReplyDeleteOur family went to visit my Grandpa every Sunday afternoon when I was growing up. Yes, there were odors that we didn't appreciate, and most residents only spoke German (us kids didn't), but all I remember and cherish to this day is the joy I felt to see him and to be again introduced proudly as his granddaughter. He passed away 43 years ago now, but the memory of him remains precious. Thanks for the reminder.
Christine
Hi Gail, I'm enjoying your blog posts. I remember caring for my elderly mom, who passed away four years ago. She had a lot of anger and grief about having a stroke and losing her ability to move her left side so it wasn't easy to be close to her. When I came to visit, I would notice that her nails needed clipping or that her hair needed combing so I would offer to do those things for her. At first she refused, then accepted my offers but directed me through every minute step in the process, while berating me the whole time for not doing it right. Near the end, when Mom had softened and finally opened her heart again, she would just allow me to clip her fingernails, trusting me to do the job. Often while I clipped, it seemed her hands and mine were one and clipping her nails was like clipping my own. Our hands were so alike. Afterwards, Mom was always sure to praise my efforts and tell me "no one can do it as good as you." Seeing her surrender control and hearing Mom give this simple praise will always be wonderful memories I will cherish because I know that she allowed herself to evolve until the very last second of life.
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